Wyrd Outlook by Grogh — Ghostwritten by Vikki Vexum

Which Dethklok Member Would Make the Best Pirate? My Pick Is Pickles.

As Captain of Ghostship Groggy, I have an unnecessarily important question: which member of Dethklok would make the best pirate?

My pick is Pickles. Pun intended. You may now become unreasonable about it.🫡☠️

Pickles: the natural.
The dreadlocks. The drinking. The swagger. He looks like someone who wandered ashore for a drink and accidentally joined the world’s biggest death metal band. Give him a ship and a questionable heading. We’re practically finished.

Nathan Explosion: the captain.
Nathan has the presence and the voice. Hearing him order you to surrender would save everyone considerable ammunition. Unfortunately, I can also imagine him deciding navigation is stupid and ordering the ocean to move.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: the glamorous menace.
The hair, the arrogance, the absolute certainty that he deserves more treasure than everyone else. He would insist his swordsmanship was superior before anyone had purchased a sword.

Toki Wartooth: the adventure pirate.
Toki would appreciate the treasure map, adopt the ship’s cat, and want everyone to enjoy being pirates together. Hurt the cat, however, and you may discover why the boarding party needs Toki.

William Murderface: the mutiny waiting to happen.
Murderface certainly has the hostility. But can he inspire a crew to follow him anywhere except into an argument? Some of you can call him daddy. I’m keeping him away from the helm.

Outside Dethklok, young Axl Rose gets my nomination for bandanna-powered stage swagger. Rob Zombie barely needs a wardrobe adjustment: patches, hair, beard—Blackbeard with a festival slot.

Zombie even supplies his own evidence. “Sir Lord Acid Wolfman” gives us a pirate anthem, while “Teenage Nosferatu Pussy” already had him declaring himself a pirate aboard a devil ship.

But aboard the good ship Dethklok, Pickles gets my vote.

Who gets yours—and who gets left on the dock?